Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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