So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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