kristin has been a bad kristin
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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