dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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