So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
