On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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