Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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