Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize