piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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