My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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