Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
