I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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