i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
