I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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