I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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