I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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