You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
