I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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