You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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