operation have a gay friend backfired
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
