btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
