It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize