she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
