I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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