I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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