Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
