We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We had sex on a dog bed..
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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