I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
