last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
