I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
