you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
