He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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