Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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