Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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