I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
