My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
