I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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