I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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