Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
