Don't make out with my wife yet
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize