now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
