So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
