I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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