So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
