Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
