She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
