i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
