I am midnight drunk by noon
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
