i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
