I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
