Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
