Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
