My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize