you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize